.

Winning an FWA is incredible. I'll crawl out of bed and Martin will be in the living room wearing only a smile. I'll say "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" and he'll just be smiling, all bald. That's when I throw down a bubble machine and we start dancing. Everyone is having a blast.

It's been over 3 years since we last interviewed you. Please update us on your bios and what you've been up to.

- Martin: I have long been dead. My lifeless body sits in front of a dusty computer, Outlook still open and my mummified finger poised on F5.

- Jordan: I still go Tools > Send and Receive > Send and Receive All

How many hours do you work each week?

- Martin: We're working about 20 hrs a week at the moment. It's very hard to motivate yourself when you're naturally lazy.

- Jordan: Now keep in mind this is 20 hours combined. That works out to about 2 hours a day, a piece.

How do you relax or unwind?

- Martin: I never really wind, so there's not much to unwind. I spend my days watching daytime TV and meeting Jordan on the PS3...but even that can sometimes take a lot of effort and we both give up.

- Jordan: Core Rhythms.

Is there a particular moment in your career that stands out?

- Martin: Yeah, the end of it. I really didn’t think it would end like this. I always thought one of us would die in a charming noble manner, instead we just kind of fizzled out. We’ll probably make a come back in 2030, shaking our tambourines and miming to a collection of our greatest sites.

- Jordan: It is a long boring road into hell.

In terms of software, is there anything new you have been playing with lately or that has impressed you?

- Martin: We should say Adobe AIR here because that’s what were working with at the moment. So yes, this is a really good question, I guess I would say Adobe AIR. That’s Adobe AIR.

- Jordan: Ha ha ha.

How many projects does your company juggle at any one time?

- Martin: Most of the time, none. It's like a mime juggle, there's nothing passing between our hands, but it doesn’t matter as there's no audience anyway.

- Jordan: Can we count training with our Warhawk clan? We are Th3 Wid0wmak3rs and if you ever see us on the battlefield, say your prayers. We're the black guys.

Are there any websites that have shone through as being pioneering in the last 5 years or so?

- Martin: Yes, Julian Velard’s site. Not sure who made it but that site has changed the way people use the internet, in a really bad way. Somedays I almost bring myself to run through it from start to finish and then play all the Directors Notes, but then I think how lazy I am and decide against it.

- Jordan: My Hot Ethnic Secretary.

Has winning FWA awards helped you in any way?

- Jordan: Winning an FWA is incredible. I'll crawl out of bed and Martin will be in the living room wearing only a smile. I'll say "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" and he'll just be smiling, all bald. That's when I throw down a bubble machine and we start dancing. Everyone is having a blast.

- Martin: I’d like for us to get in to the elite group of FWA winners and have our name up in the Hall of Fame. How do we do that? Does it involve making more sites? If so, forget it.

When dealing with major clients, how difficult is it to meet the needs of such wide target audiences?

- Jordan: We just do our thing and it is what it is. If people respond to that, great.

- Martin: I think the key is to try and make the client believe that our ideas..are really their ideas, then we congratulate them on having such creative minds. It usually doesn’t work that way though and they guide us into a great chasm of poo, then they stand up above at the mouth of the chasm and throw massive rocks of fail at us. Each one hitting us directly on the forehead.

Looking 10 years in to the future, how far can websites go?

- Jordan: I think in 10 years people might start having the internet IN THEIR LIVING ROOM (on giant, flat televisions) and maybe even on their phones? (which will have touch screens by then).

- Martin: Hahahah! He’s been saying that for 5 years! Not a chance.

Of all the websites you/your company have produced, which one are you most proud of?

- Jordan: That's like Sophie's choice, except me and Martin are like Brad and Angelina. Little black ones, little yellow ones with novelty mohawks, you name it, we love them all and cannot choose.

- Martin: Yeah, that’s an impossible choice. In a way I’d like to say Tim Hortons, because it never got launched due to client difficulties and remains to this day, hidden in a rusty old garage. I’d like to think that one day in the future someone will discover it under a dust sheet, and tell the world of its greatness.

In the UK, television programmes covering the web are way behind what is really happening in terms of web design and development, why do you think this is?

- Jordan: Who on earth would want to watch a television show on web design and development?

- Martin: I’d watch it if it was like a fly-on-the-wall documentary of a real studio, kind of like a real life Nathan Barley. I’d be glued to that, it’d make fantastic viewing.

How do you keep your finger on the pulse of the latest web trends?

- Jordan: Ha ha ha.

- Martin: What he said.

What country excites you the most in terms of innovation?

- Jordan: Look to the assholes of the world for innovation. I mean, christ, they're still sitting on the same chairs from the 30s and 50s in the poncey parts of the world.

- Martin: Yeah, I think innovation comes more from God rather than a specific continent. Am I allowed to say that?

There must be a project that you have always dreamed of doing, what is it?

- Jordan: We just look for high pay and as much distance as possible between us and the maggot (i.e. the client).

- Martin: Morrissey. It’s always been about Morrissey, each one of our sites has been a visual cry out to him, to catch his attention. It doesn’t seem to have worked.

How difficult do you find employing the right people in a world where everyone calls themselves a web designer?

- Jordan: we don't have employees.

- Martin: Yeah, we don’t employ anyone, that way we don’t have to sack anyone. We’d be terrible at sacking people, I think we’d probably feel too bad and just sack ourselves instead, leaving the poor cretin holding the Wefail baby.

How do you keep up with the latest capabilities of Flash or do you rely on other members of you team to do this?

- Jordan: In my experience Flash gets a little worse with each build.

- Martin: We keep well away from the latest capabilities. The latest capabilities mean bugs, tears, and misery. We like to keep our finger firmly off the pulse.

What would be your ultimate vehicle to travel in?

- Jordan: A coffin.

- Martin: Morrissey.

Do you have any links to photographs of your offices you could share with us?

- Jordan: Ha ha ha.

- Martin: Hahaha! Really, you do not want to see. Imagine the basement in Silence of the Lambs, now imagine Jordan and I making manginas and dancing to one another whilst Mott the Hoople blasts out. Welcome to our studio.

What does the future hold for your company?

- Jordan: If we can continue to not have real jobs because of this, then that's more than enough for me.

- Martin: Ideally the future holds a new car, so if any potential clients are reading this…..please, come forward and make yourself known. I’ve got my eye on Auto Trader and I dearly need your help.

Once again, it's been a privilege. Thank you very much indeed.

- Jordan and Martin:

Ah, gits weary

An' sick of tryin'

Ah'm tired of livin'

An' skeered of dyin',

But ol' man river,

He jes'keeps rollin' along


Links

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